The End is Nigh

Frappuccino families. They have existed since the beginning of time, much longer than my short twenty something years spent on this earth.

They skulk through the door, their mad eyes searching the room before resting on me, I sigh. Once they have your scent, that’s it. You’re fucked.

In an instant, they’re standing in front of me, their litter of younglings fixated on my every movement. I try not to make eye contact.

The adults make noises in my general direction, a series of whimpers and grunts as they point bony fingers towards the brightly coloured boards. It takes me a while to realise they are trying to communicate. I feverishly type their demands into the ancient computer in front of me, a computer that holds the last living remains of a long forgotten era. Windows XP.

If I get it wrong, there will be hell to pay.

After a while, they seem to lose interest, their eyes drawn across the bar towards my comrade. I shiver slightly as they slowly skulk towards them. I can’t help but think ‘better them than me.’

I survive another day.

Yoga Pants

“Excuse me” I hear the shrill voice call from behind me. I turn from cleaning the bar for what seems like the hundredth time that day, coming face to face with a woman with a sour expression. Her lips are fat…too fat for her leathery thin face. Her eyes are slanted in my direction as she approaches me, a half empty cup held in her hands. Her nails are long and jagged, like the painted pink nails of some long forgotten creature.

“Do you think someone could clean my table…it’s filthy.” She says, pointing to the table in the corner, I noticed the minute stains of a coffee mug. Her voice is so high it hurts my ears. I sigh as she slams the paper cup down on the bar, white droplets of milk escaping from the vessel and onto the surface I had just cleaned. I feel myself die a little more inside. “And this coffee is cold.” She continues. “I want another.”

I remember her from the morning rush, I would remember the bright pink yoga pants and tight pony tail anywhere. In fact, her ponytail is so tight, the skin around her forehead seems moments away from ripping away from her skull. I force a smile, willing my eye to stop twitching.

“I will make you another Ma’am”

She doesn’t even look at me as I turn and head towards the bar.

I give her decaf.

How to be a better person (by not being a dick) part two

I have decided that working in retail and hospitality does nothing to improve your view on the parasites that make up the human race. In fact, before I started working for the evil corporation, I actually quite liked people—okay, that’s a lie, I tolerated them—but there comes a time when you start to have enough of the annoying fleshy meat-bags walking in  forgetting the most basic form of human decency.

Before I continue with my rant (as I’m sure it will offend some people), I would  like to say that I got a lot of hate from a lot of uninteresting people about my previous article. I have been thinking about a way to say sorry to these poor, hard-done people who obviously took such offence to my article.

So, I decided to write another one!

Here are five more ways to be a better person (by not being a dick!)

Oh, and for those of you who are offended by big bad words—there are big bad words to follow so click off this page and go do something you find exciting— like watching paint dry.

The customer is always right.

Whoever came up with that pile of garbage should be thrown feet first into a giant blender filled with lemon juice, because this phrase just gives the already egotistical soul suckers (also known as customers) even more of a superiority complex.

Not to say all customers are soul suckers. I actually have one or two that seem to be decent, well-functioning human beings. They come in, they order what they want and they fuck off. Just the way it should be.

Are you ‘really ‘sold out of that?

If the board says that we are sold out of a particular item, then yes, we are in fact, sold out. We are not lying to you about not having that certain food or drink in stock. We do not have secret meetings after work to come up with new ideas just to slightly inconvenience you and we do not spend our free time discussing the best ways we can think of just to piss you off. Okay…that was a lie. We love to live our lives slightly inconveniencing you so you will throw a fit in the store, cause a delay in service, and call me a worthless waste of human skin because you can’t have your fucking carrot cake.

Pointers

The pointers…that reclusive breed of people that seem to think getting their greasy fingerprints all over the pastry case I just cleaned is a good idea. The people who seem to forget their words and think pointing in the general direction of what they want is the correct course of action, only to completely confuse themselves and me, stare at me unblinking for a few seconds and then actually say the name of the food they want.

Why didn’t you just do that in the first place, Helen?

Am I a fucking psychic?

We as a human species developed the ability to talk so we could avoid awkward situations like this.  Or do you just enjoy infuriating me with your lack of ability to be a well-functioning human being.

The line complainers

I understand when you complain about bad customer service, the music being too loud or that fact that you found a half dead roach in your sandwich, (sucks to be you on that last one) but if you come into my place of work at a weekend, during lunch hours and see that the line is out the door- don’t wait and complain about the line moving to slow. Firstly, you are holding up the line yourself and I am probably going to have to deal with another one of your kind shortly after, therefor continuing the vicious cycle of slow moving lines. Secondly I can only move as fast as the customers, because most of the time I am waiting for people to figure out what they want. For some reason, while they were waiting in the aforementioned ‘slow line’, it didn’t actually occur to them to make a decision before they got to the freaking till. Either that or I am waiting ever so patiently for the poor old dear I am serving to count out her pennies on the counter only to forget what she was doing and start all over again. I can’t exactly tell her to ‘hurry the fuck up’ because that’s someone’s grandma. I have one of my own and she’d kick my arse if I swore at a grandma. Or a Grandpa.

The Toilet Ninja’s

There is a ‘cleaning in progress sign’ right outside the toilet door, as well as a barricade of tables and chairs blocking any arseho- (ahem) I mean customer from entering the bathroom. Instead of taking the hint that the bathroom is indeed locked for the night (like any mildly intelligent person would) these people take the carefully placed blockade as a challenge and decide to treat it as a fucking obstacle course, vaulting over furniture and climbing over chairs like some parkour champion wannabe, only to find that the bathrooms, are indeed, closed

But it’s too late. The chain reaction has already started and there is already a horde of people waiting to use the bathroom…a horde that I could have sworn was not there before.

It gets to the point where you start to believe that people are indeed morons and that they were put on this earth to simply piss me off.    

5 ways to being a better person (by not being a dick)

Most of us have had a job that has required us to actually talk to people, I am afraid that in this day and age, people are an integral part of society and contact with them is usually unavoidable.

There are many types of people of many different cultures that are kind, loving and generally pleasant to be around. I often find myself enjoying the company of certain humans I have taken to calling my friends, but where there is good, there is always bad, and these bad people usually come in the form we workers in retail and hospitality like to call dickhea- ahem, I mean- customers.

I know it must be stressful to have the weekends off, with all that shopping and relaxing you have to do before even more shopping and relaxing. I understand how hard it is to be able to walk out into the town and be able to buy just about anything one would need, so I have come up with a helpful little list to help you, help me, help you.

Here are five ways to be a better person by not being a dick.  

Don’t talk on the phone while I serve you.   

Don’t talk on the phone when I am serving you. Just don’t do it. If you are on the phone, finish your conversation before you bother me. Simple as that. I did not come in to work at an ungodly time in the morning just to watch you have a conversation about who slept with who or what, how drunk you got last night or where you are going to on holiday in the next week. I don’t care, no one cares. Not even the person you’re talking to cares.

Don’t just order a coffee and expect me to know wtf you want

I work in a coffee shop. Don’t come in and order just a coffee – there are lots of coffees. Don’t order and just expect me to know exactly what you want like some mind reading magician. I don’t walk into a restaurant and just order ‘food.’

“Oh hello Mr Waiter, I will have the food please.”

Also, don’t get pissy with me when I suggest something because you obviously don’t know what the hell you want. If you order ‘just’ a coffee, I am going to give you an Americano -without milk, you don’t deserve milk. You’re a pain in the arse.  

Don’t order everything at once.

Tell me something…when you order five drinks in a row, each one of them being extremely complicated and annoying, much like your personality, do you really expect me to remember every stupid detail of your soy, half shot, extra hot, semi-dry, decaf, two pump vanilla, child soul caramel macchiato?

Have you seen me put it in the till yet, have you even seen me pick up a cup? No? Then why are you still talking? If you could order at a normal human pace, maybe we could both get through this with minimal bloodshed.

Don’t throw money on the table

If you see me outstretching my hand to take your payment, don’t put your money on the table and expect me to both pick it up and count it. A) It shows what an absolute dick you are and b) it makes me want to punch you in the face. Just put the money in my hand, go pick up your drink and go away.       

Wait until I ask you to pay

When I put your drink in the system and I have not asked you to pay yet, please…for the love of god, do not attack the card machine with your visa or special pay app. It just fucks up the system and in turn, fucks up my day. I don’t know what it is about people thinking I can put the information in the till, set up the cup and make the coffee all in a blink of an eye. So please, for my sanity, refrain from molesting the card reader until I tell you otherwise.   

So there you have it, those are just five ways that make normal, everyday people, absolute arseholes. Also, if you are reading this on your computer, your tablet or your mobile phone and you are wondering just what is so terrible about all these things, congratulations, you’re the fucking arsehole.

Have a nice day.

Comic Con 2015 – FemShep Renegade Armour.

London Comic Con – 24th October – Femshep

After many hours of building and creating, I finally did it, my first ever Cosplay attempt for the London Comic Con!

Apart from my shoes falling to pieces at the end of the day due to massive downpour, I think I did a pretty good job. Pretty proud of it!

For those of you who have not been following this blog, I attempted to make my very own N7 armour out of EVA foam. You can see my progress and attempt it yourself by using the basic guide in my previous posts.

The Con was great, I was so happy with the amount of people that came up to me asking if they could have a picture with me. You can see a few of the photos below, although, there were many more, I was sadly unable to get any of the other pictures.

Cosplay 2015 October 24th London - Femshep and Drago


Cosplay 2015 October 24th London - Femshep renegade,Femshep Paragon and KasumiCosplay 2015 October 24th London- Femshep and Spartan

N7 ARMOUR UPADATE – Finished Torso

N7 ARMOUR UPADATE – Finished Torso

I never thought I would swear so much at an inanimate object, but finally, after many days of craft knife cuts, glue gun burns and bandaged fingers I have learnt two things.

  1. Never let me loose with anything remotely sharp or hot.
  2. Cosplay is rage inducing but oddly satisfying.

Below is a front and back view of the Torso, painted Renegade Red. Since I am going as a renegade Shepard, I thought the colour fit well.

The belt, which still needed to be painted, will lay over the very bottom of the stomach and be kept in place with straps and a little bit of Velcro.

Quick tip: Be sure to wear gloves when using a glue gun…hot glue burns like hell!

Torso fin (no battle dammage)I painted the front and back separately, then put them together using clips. I found the glue holds to the BACK TORSOfabric a lot better if you make tiny cuts where you wish to glue the straps and sand the fabric down slightly. The only way that strap is coming off is if you pull the fabric off with it.

The neck is a separate piece as well, held on to the back with a strip of Velcro. To make the collar, I just heated the foam and bent it in to shape.

The lower back and lower torso are also held on with a long piece of Velcro, making moving in the suit a lot easier than if it were glued down. I can attach and detach them when I take the suit off for easy storage.

I still need to add the majority of the battle damage, mostly to the front of the suit. I will add photos when it is done.

In other words, there is still plenty of work to be done, so in the famous words of Femshep – ‘I should go.’

N7 COSPLAY BUILD – GAUNTLETS

Mass Effect N7 Armour build – Gauntlets

I have finally done it. I have finally finished…one piece of my armour. Raise your hands and shout hallelujah!
I didn’t screw it up…well that’s a lie, I screwed up a little, but still, I actually managed to make something, look like the something it’s supposed to look like. Whoop Whoop!

‘Clears throat. Composes self’

Right…

Celebrations out of the way, I want to show the gauntlets I made for my N7 armour. Which, in my opinion, were the easiest thing to make and paint. Below are some pictures of the gauntlets all shiny and new, painted with red and white acrylic paint.

Unfortunately in my haste to finish my gauntlets, I neglected to take pictures before I painted them, but just imagine them grey and…foamy.

ArmsThe process of painting is a long laborious one, but it pays off in the end as the foam looks shiny and holds a metallic tint, without you spending money on a metallizer.

Firstly, cover the foam in two coats of PVA and water, waiting for them to completely dry before painting over them. Add a thin sheen of Plasti-dip and wait another four hours for the foam to completely dry.

Next, spray paint the entire piece with a silver spray paint, (I just use fast dry project enamel.)

Lastly, spray paint over the silver, whatever colour you want your armour to be, the silver undercoating leaves a metallic shine under the second layer and even aids to adding battle damage such as scuffs and weathering.

Here are my finished gauntlets with battle damage. To make the cracks, simply cut the foam with a crafting knife then heat the area

Arms damagedwith a heat gun, the foam will expand from the head and open up, leaving a gash in the foam. Simply paint the inside of the cracks silver, rub in the paint with your finger and leave to dry.

If you wish to create scuffs, get a bit of masking tape, stick it on to the place you want to create a scuff and rip it off. The masking tape will rip away the second layer slightly, leaving specks of silver underneath.

This is only one way of creating scuffs and battle marks.